Life in a multilateral agency

For fear of getting busted for leaking protected information I won’t mention directly which multilateral agency I’m referring to, but unless my readership has spread into an unknown audience, you all know anyway.

On arrival in Banda Aceh I was given temporary (and expensive) accommodation.

I live in a mansion. It has cable with 75 channels. I have flicked through them all a few times, and it’s true, you can have 75 channels and there is still nothing on. Fortunately my standards are low, so last night I enjoyed “101 top celebrity slimmers”. I stopped watching at about number 64 (from 101 backwards) so we were still in the territory of people who were celebrities many years ago (Tom Arnold), and American people who have never been heard of outside the States (some guy from a TV show called Varsity Blues).

The most impressive part of my mansion is the outside, and the OTT ("over the top" for those of you who don't speak English) furniture.Other than that, it's comfortable, but it’s not the Fresh Prince of Bellair's crib.

Yesterday I spent most of the day ploughing through a basic security test. I learnt how to identify landmines (no there are not landmines in Aceh) and what to do if someone is shooting at me (don’t run for cover, get down on the ground). I also learnt that you should always stay between the second and the seventh floor in a hotel. Staying above the ground and first floors means you are more secure from attacks from people on the street but staying below the seventh floor means you can get down the fire escape without suffering cardiac arrest. But as my boss pointed out to me, the best rooms are usually on the higher floors, so sometimes safety won’t come first. I haven’t done the advanced test yet. Apparently it’s even longer. There goes the weekend.

Today I went to a Banda Aceh-specific security briefing and learnt that I am not allowed to travel outside a “green zone” without security clearance. The “green zone” is essentially the city limits, so either I’ll be breaking a lot of rules (I think I did on the weekend by mistake) or getting a lot of forms filled in. I’m not allowed out of the green zone - even with security clearance - after dark unless I’ve travelled to another city, and I’m never allowed to be in transit after dark. Did you know that 90+ percent of security incidents occur after dark and 90+ percent of those occur while people are in transit. The plus side is I now have an excuse to fly everywhere instead of take crappy minivans for 10 hours. Planes might fall out of the sky but at least they’re not uncomfortable.

Alas, instead of feeling well informed now I just fear for my life.